Thursday, 11 November 2010

Ordeal, by T K Varenko

It is a verse-ornated story
About love, betrayal, wrath
Royal vampires' bliss and glory
Bringing them straight to their death.

Luella, fierce, strong vampire,
Falls for a pretty human catch
Sent on her fiancĂ©’s desire
To celebrate they are engaged.

This unexpected turnabout
Is doomed to come to a dead end:
Her human sweetheart's dead to shroud:
Her fiancĂ©’s avenged for that.

And she is punished for blood treason,
Banished into a mortal child,
Whose human body is a prison
For all her powers to bind.

Her memories obliterated,
She is to find her love at last
Who proves to be too much related
To the misfortunes from her past.


Ordeal is a vampire story written completely in verse, which follows a simple A – B – A – B four line form. It's a relatively easy form to write if you have a good awareness of rhythm and rhyme; sadly the author of this book appears to have neither.

His lines don't scan, his rhymes often don't actually rhyme; he uses words which almost sound good but don't mean what he seems to think they mean; and several of his verses make no sense at all.

He has forgotten to put his own name on the front cover of his own book; the cover image he has chosen is extremely unappealing, and brings to mind the inside of a mouldy eyeball, complete with blood vessels; the back cover copy is almost illegible as the font used is over-fancy and out of focus; and the book has no copyright page.

The writing is quite astonishingly bad: this verse reads as though it has been dragged backwards and forwards through Babel Fish a few times. I read five and a half pages out of two hundred and twelve despite ignoring several of the author's less significant lapses, and I strongly urge this writer to put in a lot more work on his craft before he even considers publishing anything else.

4 comments:

L'Aussie said...

Oh dear. This is a wake up call for self-publishers!

Jane Smith said...

I really don't like being so harsh about anyone's work: but if writers send me their work to review here, they should know what to expect.

It's such a shame.

Mike Coe said...

Jane,
I have made numerous attempts to contact you without reply. I'm sorry to use this thread to make contact, but it was my only option. I mailed my book, "Flight to Paradise", to you months ago. Did you receive it? Thank you, Mike Coe

Tasmanian Devil said...

It's a great manuscript appraisal service! Is it cheaper to actually get a MS appraisal, fix the problems then submit to a mainstream editor though? It probably is.